When She Has Another Man's Baby for You

Dear Prudence

But the Kid Is Not My Son

In a live conversation, Prudie counsels a human being whose wife is pregnant with some other human's baby.

Emily Yoffe

Photograph by Teresa Castracane.

Emily Yoffe, aka Beloved Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is beneath. ( Sign upwards here  to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie's Slate columns here . Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com .)

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. Let'due south get to it.

Q. I Am Not the Male parent: A piddling later on my wife and I reconciled from our separation, nosotros discovered she was pregnant. Although we were having marital issues, nosotros were going through marriage therapy and I genuinely wanted to give it another try. I was, of course, over the moon nearly condign a male parent. Things were starting to look upwards, until I discovered an ultrasound browse report which showed my wife was further along in the pregnancy than she told me. Afterwards a bitter, heated argument she confessed she conceived the baby with someone else while we were separated. She said she thought she was interim for the all-time considering she knew I would be happy about the pregnancy. (One of the many reasons why nosotros initially separated was because I wanted to start a family and she didn't.) To cut the long story short, I decided to get a divorce. Since I moved out, my married woman has been spreading malicious rumors that I abandoned her and "our babe." She'due south been hospitalized due to complications in her pregnancy and I got a lot of detest mails/calls from her family and friends for non showing upward. I don't desire to get caught up in a dirty fight so I have been ignoring these. Merely I'grand getting increasingly angry that she is smearing my reputation through lies. Should I clear my name, fifty-fifty if it means airing our dirty laundry in public?

A: It's i thing to be the bigger person, it'due south another to permit a compulsive liar ruin your reputation. The story she's telling is that upon discovering she is conveying your child, you lot decided to divorce her. This makes y'all look like a heartless cad at present, and you will be fifty-fifty more despicable when the child is born and yous want goose egg to do with it. I call back you need to become in impact with your before long-to-be ex and tell her you know she is under physical and emotional duress, but you hope she can encounter that spreading what volition exist provably simulated stories most you will only hurt all of you lot, including her kid, in the long run. Explicate that even if she is non in a standing relationship with the father of her child, she needs to establish paternity so that the baby tin can at least go fiscal support. Tell her you lot've said nothing to date, but considering you are not the cruel person she is portraying as, you are going to begin to tell people the truth.

So you tin tell people just that the baby was conceived with another man while you were separated, a situation that pb to your decision to finish the spousal relationship. You don't have to add the damning filigree that she tried to mislead you lot well-nigh the child. Since she sounds possibly pathological she will probably have a whole counterfactual account to claiming yours. Simply your simple assertion, and refusal to appoint in character assassination, will at least put serious doubt in people's minds. If she continues to hold you out as the begetter after the birth, check into your legal rights to demand a paternity exam to show that you are not responsible for the kid. Oh, that poor child, to be born of such a manipulative mother.

Love Prudence: Third Wheel Twin

Q. Halloween Harassment Over Oral Sexual activity: Last year, my hubby and I had a small-scale Halloween get-together for some family unit. We left the door unlocked for our 12-year-erstwhile niece to come in if we were still getting things ready. She called and told us she would exist more than than an hour late. My husband forgot to lock the door, and figuring we had a little more time, nosotros got down to business organisation. Our niece popped the door open up—much before than she told us she would be—and saw me paying "lip service" to her uncle. Since so, the gossip has spread through the family. I have received cards of an adult nature from my husband'due south family, and during family unit outings, most of the jokes are centered effectually oral-sexual activity puns. My husband and I take both asked them to terminate, nosotros accept fifty-fifty left family unit gatherings. Information technology has been months since I've been to whatever gathering with his family. I take recently started getting Halloween cards in the mail in which his relatives accept written things like, "Don't let it exist a echo of last year!" I am exhausted with defending myself. His sis is throwing the Halloween party this yr, and I am definitely non going. My husband is on the argue. Only I'g worried that if we don't show, this heckling will just go on—by email, mail, whatever. What should I practice?

A: Folks, write your own fob-or-treat jokes. I understand the almost shocking part of your letter is not that yous decided to accept oral sex while leaving the door unlocked for expected company, just that a tween showed up early to an event. At to the lowest degree your husband's family finds this hilarious instead of you two being excoriated for your behavior and an exorcism suggested. You're right that the ceremony of the great outcome is jump to blow things out of proportion, but I recollect you should go and laugh it off. Then at the end of the evening your husband should denote the joke has gone limp and the statute of limitations has expired. He tin say y'all've both been good sports nigh this, merely the word play about lip service has to stop or else equally far as family gatherings are concerned you will both cease coming.

Q. Paternity Test Drama: My husband's first married woman cheated on him throughout their wedlock. He'due south been contesting how difficult it is for him to trust women always since their divorce. We've gone to counseling separately and as a couple to cope with how his difficulty trusting me has impacted our relationship. Nosotros love each other very much, though, and when I became meaning with our first child last winter, I thought he finally trusted that I have never and will never crook on him. Then he asked me for a prenatal paternity test to ensure the infant was his. His biggest fear is raising a child that isn't biologically his ain. I was injure by his request, because information technology unsaid he still seriously mistrusted me. He thought if I had nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a big deal, and he told me he trusted me, simply needed accented assurance. We argued about the paternity test for most of my pregnancy, but he lay off shortly before I gave birth to our daughter in July. Things have been wonderful e'er since, until I discovered evidence that he and his mother ran a paternity test without my knowledge. Of class our daughter is his. Now we're fighting again. He'southward apologized for not trusting me, but I cannot cease feeling betrayed that he would practice this backside my back. I don't know where we tin goes as a couple from here. Am I overreacting?

A: Despite what this column might indicate, almost all men really are the father of the children they think they are the father of. Y'all may dear your husband very much, but I wish yous'd paid more attention to the klaxons in your human relationship. Beingness incessantly punished for the misdeeds of a previous spouse is not a good basis for a healthy relationship, and you had plenty of warning that you were being doubted. I bet if you wanted to cheque, you will find your husband regularly scans your cellphone and computer to try to gather the nonexistent incriminating testify. That he and his mother did some genetic testing behind your back must have been a punch to your solar plexus. Y'all at present have a child with this man, so I assume you want to salvage your relationship and attempt to establish some framework of trust. Head dorsum to the therapist right away. He needs to understand that while he'south obsessed with yous adulterous on him, he'south shown himself to be the great deceiver.

Q. Re: I am not the father: He also needs to check his legal rights. In some states (like Texas), the child is PRESUMED to be his considering it was conceived during the union.

A: Interesting. Since he'south in the middle of a divorce, he should make sure his lawyer is on acme of this.

Q. My Son Is Dating a Stripper!: My husband had numerous affairs with strippers, and now my twentysomething son is dating one. My hubby's infidelity ended five years agone. Our marriage has more often than not healed, and at present nosotros're happy together and very much in love. A few days ago my girl chosen me and told me she found out that her brother has been dating a stripper for most viii months—he is in dearest with her. He finally introduced his girlfriend to his sister last calendar week, and the girlfriend freely admitted her profession. I called my son to confirm what his sister told me, and he doesn't seem to care about his girlfriend's profession. He told me she strips to pay off her college loans and that she wants to become a doctor. He wants to bring her home for Thanksgiving. I told him I would not allow a stripper in my house. I know I sound judgmental, but the only strippers I take ever known accept had no qualms about sleeping with married men. I worry this woman will use my son for financial gain or will cheat on him. Strippers also bring up very painful memories for me. My husband agrees with me. We recall information technology'south our right to determine who can and cannot come to our firm for important family gatherings. My son is very upset with us and has threatened non to come domicile for the vacation. Am I existence as well rigid or unreasonable?

A: At to the lowest degree when this young adult female gets to medical school she will have plenty of expertise in beefcake. (And I thought most strippers are doing information technology to pay for law school!) Unless your son's girlfriend too slept with your husband, yous are being priggish and cavalier and your married man is comically hypocritical. I can see proverb you don't want a drug dealer in your home; otherwise information technology's really none of your business organisation what your son's girlfriend does for a living. I assume you're savvy enough to know that barring her will not brand your son contemplate his error in romantic judgment while passing the gravy. Information technology volition mean he'll skip the entire outcome, leaving you to stew nigh your light-headed cocky-righteousness. Your son wants to bring a guest, so be a gracious hostess and don't make any remarks when this girl says she prefers chest meat.

Q. Abortion Bumper Sticker: My mother has strong opinions—and a strong belief in expressing them. I am in my mid-30s and learned long ago to let my mother vent/rant, and to make neutral comments until the chat turns to something else. Nevertheless, my mother recently affixed a strongly worded pro-life bumper sticker to her auto. On numerous occasions, strangers take made comments in parking lots or flipped her the bird when driving. This upsets her profoundly. I think that if you put a strongly worded opinion on an emotional subject area out for anybody to see then yous open yourself upward to criticism. How do I explicate to her that not everybody cares nigh her opinion and not everybody will requite her the wide berth that our family does? My begetter passed away years ago and my brother more or less ignores our female parent when she gets on a bluster, so it is upwards to me to address this issue.

A: I don't know why you accept to explain this to her. I hope your mother is functional plenty to see for herself the truth of your insight. If you're driving with her, tell her to ignore the remarks or actions of other people—engaging could exist dangerous. If she won't, refuse to keep trips in her car. Your brother's strategy is a skillful one. It doesn't sound as if your female parent wants insight, she just wants a sounding board. Merely she will but hear her ain voice if y'all just walk away.

Q. BIL's Going to Jail: My sister'southward husband is going to jail for sleeping with one of his underage students. My sister does not want to divorce him and they volition work on their marriage while he is in jail. The issue is that my kids admire their aunt and uncle, who don't have children. My sis and brother-in-constabulary desire to visit with my kids as much every bit possible before my BIL goes away for a few years. My hubby and I are not comfy with letting my BIL effectually our kids, even if we don't believe the kids are in whatever danger from him. His student was sixteen, and that's really weird and gross to usa. How do we explicate our newfound feelings for my BIL while letting my sister know we all the same love and support her?

A: Yous explain to your sister that her hubby is going off to jail for sexually violating a pocket-size and you've got problems with him. You say you desire to back up her through this, and she of course volition remain close to your children, but yous're still processing what he did and you can't carry on as if null had happened. If she doesn't get that, well, it helps explicate the mentality of a Dottie Sandusky.

Q. Mother-in-Laws: My husband and I are expecting our start child in the summer. We are absolutely ecstatic! My female parent will play an agile role in watching the infant when I have to become dorsum to work, but the idea of my mother-in-law caring for our babe in her home scares united states of america! We both beloved her and we are very happy for her ten-month sobriety, but are much closer to my parents. MIL's firm is incredibly muddy; my husband even got nutrient poisoning subsequently eating dinner at her identify recently. I just can't imagine allowing my child to crawl around on the rarely vacuumed floor. Although she has stopped drinking, she still smokes, equally does her live-in boyfriend. She also allows my husband'south younger brother (22 years sometime) to complimentary-load and fume marijuana in the house. I don't believe she realizes how dirty her abode is. How do I tell her that her home is non an environs that I want my child in, without causing injure feelings?

A: You tell her that you're more comfortable having her come to your business firm. It doesn't matter that things aren't equal with the 2 grandmothers. Your mother is great; your mother-in-law barely functions. That means y'all limit your mother-in-law's contact with the baby to times you lot can supervise. She's got a drug user in the firm and she's not even a year sober. Practise not exist bullied into letting her babe-sit.

Q. Inherited Cousin's Money and Her Nephews Are Slighted: My mom was very close to ii of her cousins, a brother and sister named Adam and Eve. I was the first kid born into this generation eighteen years agone. Eve was much more similar an aunt to me—buying me everything, taking me out all the time—than my own aunts and uncles were. My mom is a unmarried parent, and then Eve'due south financial contributions meant I never missed out. She died in a car accident a few months ago at 37. The family unit is devastated. Eve saved upward enough money to pay for my college tuition—and I am her sole beneficiary. Eve didn't have kids. Her blood brother Adam's 2 sons got nothing. Eve was non close to them and there were often divisions in the family unit. But now Adam says he is going to sue and become some of the money. I feel guilty for saying this, only Adam's kids accept resources and money. Eve'southward married man has stood by the volition and has defended me. What should I practice? Practice I offering some of the money to Eve's nephews?

A: I'grand sorry for your loss. Information technology sounds every bit if to Eve yous were the daughter she never had, and even her widower understands Eve'southward wish was for you to benefit from her financial resources. I'k no estate lawyer, but I tin't imagine what grounds Adam thinks he has to challenge this will. He's only turning a tragedy into an ugly family feud. Y'all owe nothing to Adam'southward well cared-for offspring. Take the money and honour Eve's memory past getting a dandy education.

Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.

In a new arroyo, nosotros're publishing the chat transcript in shorter, more digestible pieces. You will still be getting all the questions and answers, and we may even publish bonus letters Prudie didn't get to address during the chat hour. Bank check back tomorrow for another edition!

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Source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2012/10/dear-prudence-my-wife-is-pregnant-by-another-man-but-she-s-saying-it-s-mine.html

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